God has a funny way of working on you sometimes. I had a shouting match with God on Friday on my way home from work. Somedays I'm fine, other days I'm a mess. Sometimes random moments set me off and Friday was one of those days. I pretty much told God as I've done several times since October that I was mad that we had to say good-bye to our child, I didn't understand why we had been given this child only to have Sam taken away 9 weeks later, and that I wanted our child back. As shouting matches with God usually go it only made me more angry and upset about it all and didn't resolve anything.
Like I said God has a funny way of working in the areas you don't want him to touch sometimes. I want to be bitter and blame myself for what I did or didn't do because somehow losing Sam was my fault even though we'll never know the reasons why. Despite the fact that I know our child is with God in heaven and I should be happy about that I still am bitter about the memories we will never have with Sam. Every Monday I think about what stage Sam should have been at (16 weeks this Monday) and every Friday I think about how long it has been since we lost Sam (7 weeks this Friday). So many parents get these memories but we don't even have a sonogram. I want to be mad at God and I can't find reasons to rejoice in this. So you can imagine hearing about rejoicing in God always, a very simple message I've heard time and time again, was not what I wanted to hear today. Monseigneur Ron's message today at Mass was exactly that about one of the readings Philippians 4:4-7:
Brothers and sisters: Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice! Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything,by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
I've read Philippians a thousand times and every time I get something new out of it. The interesting thing I got from these verses today was that no where in Paul's writings does he say "If you pray hard enough God will grant your every wish" as if God is some magical deity only set upon making us happy. Instead he reminds us that "...the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." God promises us peace to guard our hearts which is better than what we were originally wanting in the first place. As Paul (my hubby not Paul the apostle lol) pointed out after Mass rejoicing doesn't mean we put on a false sense of happiness rather it means we are giving thanks for the blessings that come from any event. I don't expect to suddenly be done with being sad about saying good-bye to Sam. Rather I firmly believe any event good or bad has blessings God gives us through the experience. We just haven't found God's blessing in being without Sam yet.
The article he referred to in his homily was a Dear Abbey Column about a mother who likened have a child with Down-Syndrome to having planned this wonderful vacation in Italy only to be told you're stuck in Holland. This mother has gone on to do some incredible things to create tolerance and love for mentally and physically handicapped adults and children including working with Sesame Street to portray abilities they do have. Her point, in case you don't want to read the article, is that Holland has its beauty too. Although we may not want what God has given us we are still blessed.
I feel like since October I've been vacationing in Holland instead of Italy and I haven't liked it at all. We had been so excited about Italy and to suddenly be visiting Holland, well, sucks at times. I've been bitter, angry, sad, and everything in between. I see everyone else going to Italy, and while I know some of them have unfortunately been to Holland several times before arriving in Italy, it doesn't lessen the pain. I know Italy is possible someday maybe, but there are no guarantees. Apart of me will always be stuck in Holland with Sam. Children are not just something you up and replace. I want something positive to come out of this though I don't know what yet. I know to find the positive blessing in all of this I need to let God work in my heart about letting go of the bitterness and anger, something I'm not always good at doing.
So here is the article I hope it does as much for you as it did for me. I think we have all be in Holland at one point with events in our lives. God calls us to rejoice in all things including vacationing in a place you did not pay to go to. There are still blessings to be found and if we open ourselves up to letting go of the bitterness and anger God will show them to us. Easier said than done right?
Welcome To Holland
by Emily Perl Kingsley
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
And so now begins the recovery, recognizing the beauty of your change in plans. The exquisite beauty that comes from pain and suffering.
ReplyDeleteThink of it, can you appreciate the beauty without the pain? Unless you live in the tortured land of the mid-day desert - scorching sun, searing light, dusty air - how can you truly appreciate the beauty of the desert sunrise with it's endless array of blue and purple hues. Or the desert sunset with the full, rich reds and yellows.
And yes, it is hard not to have the memories of Sam. Nothing can be said that will change that or assuage your grief. No number of No number of platitudes from family or friends can erase your doubts. Only you can chart your course beyond the 'mid-day desert' you are in until one day you'll look up and see the unexpected beauty.
Your mother and I wanted children desperately and for years. Years of hoping and trying and being disappointed. However this 'Holland' in our lives has helped us see the beauty of you, our children perhaps more intensely and richly than others.
And you may not have just one Holland just as I have had many. But hold onto the idea that you can grow from each tribulation. Not alone but with Paul. Hold onto each other and share the pain, talk about it, don't hold it in. The talking, sharing, and openness helps you move forward.